Movie Review: Black Swan

IMDB: 8.9

Rotten Tomatoes: 88%

Some Spoilers Ahead

I attended a screening of Black Swan last night. It was every bit as insane, real, weird and uncomfortable as a Darren Aronofsky would be. It was also as ballet-able as a movie about ballet could possibly be. But overall, it was just a really good movie.

Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis were great together and... well, you've probably heard by now what happens. Yes, it is as great as it sounds. They play all the emotions of your standard romantic comedy relationship - hate, friendship, love, betrayal - without any of the awful acting or unbelievable story. Also, they're both really pretty girls.

Portman's mother, played by Barbara Hershey, is creepy as hell. Completely different from Ellen Burstyn in Requiem for a Dream, but just as weird. Did I mention Mila Kunis?

Black Swan was nearly equal to 127 Hours in uncomfortable viewing moments. The main thing I took from the movie was how freaking painful ballet must be. If I have daughters, there's no way they're taking dance lessons. I think I'd rather have them play football. I also know, that I'll never be able to look at a hangnail again without fear that I might pull out a feather.

The most surprising thing about Black Swan was the number of laughs it got. Honestly, I think it came from how uncomfortable everyone was. I kind of wanted to tell people to shut up. I guess you could have laughed more during The Wrestler, but I think you'd have to be a little "special" to do so.

Black Swan is a crazy movie about a subject that is the least crazy you can think of. Portman makes it all work was she melts down for the entire film. Just a crazy performance. Crazy.

Boardwalk Empire: A 7th Grade English Paper Review

From time to time, friends of the site will contribute reviews of different programs or movies. Heck, in the future I might even contribute reviews or thoughts on stuff. Who knows!? Here's 1 Happy St's review of Boardwalk Empire, as told through the lens of a 7th grade English paper.

In general, I have enjoyed Boardwalk Empire. It has been slow moving at times, but also very exciting at others. I have also enjoyed some of the acting performances, while not enjoying a few as well.

Boardwalk Empire is a show that debuted earlier this year to much fanfare. It was said to be similar in style to The Sopranos, however I have not found that to be true at all. The pace of the show has been slow moving at times, like the storyline with the Irish immigrant lady who seems to be all over the place. Other times the show is pretty exciting, like the car ride between the convict and the crooked FBI agent. That was pretty tense.

I have enjoyed a couple of the acting performances like the guy with the messed up face. But I have not liked the acting performance of the guy who plays Jimmy Darmody. I'm really bored with that guy. All he does is stand around in his wife beater and he has a stupid haircut.

In conclusion, I have enjoyed Boardwalk Empire in general. Granted it has been slow moving at times, but also very exciting at others. I have also enjoyed some but not all of the acting performances. And that is why I have enjoyed Boardwalk Empire.

Jon Dore On Conan

Canadian/comedian Jon Dore was on Conan on Thursday night. For days I was thinking of a legitimate reason to use the video of his appearance on The Big Lead, but just couldn't fit it in in my usual awkward manner. (/twss) Then, suddenly, I remembered that I have a severely neglected blog about television and movies.

If you're not familiar with Jon Dore, he's the guy behind the television show, The Jon Dore Television Show. The brilliant, but sometimes disturbing program aired on IFC in America and my roommate and I discovered it about a year ago in reruns. Its finally available on iTunes - season 1, season 2 - and I'm hoping eventually it makes it to DVD.

Conan's Back

Conan O'Brien returned to the television set last night for the premiere of Conan on TBS. I watched. I had to be reminded by my girlfriend because I was watching sports all night, but once I was reminded, I made sure to tun in at 11pm. Hell, I even sat through the final 90 seconds of an episode of Family Guy so I'd be sure to see the opening. That's how you can tell I was serious.

The show itself was good. Its a much loser feel than other late night shows and that's what makes it so enjoyable.

See, I like Conan. I really do. I'm sure there are tweets somewhere about how pissed off I was that Leno was kicking Conan off the Tonight Show. I was probably one of the offended interneters. I'm a small part of the reason that Conan got another show. Totally.

But will I be a dedicated viewer? I doubt it. I'm sure I'll watch a few episodes when the NBA slate is done early. I'll definitely tune in Thursday night for Jon Dore's appearance.

I was never a loyal viewer during Conan's time on the Tonight Show or the Late Show. I just wonder how long he'll be on TBS. I'm sure it will be a few years. The George Lopez has been on TBS for at least a year and he's been fine without me seeing even a second of his show.

I guess I'm just happy to have Conan back on television, even if I'm not watching.

Thursday Night Power Rankings

Thursday night is the busiest night on television. Wednesday is the second best nght Why? Why don't they move a couple shows to Monday or Tuesday? Hell, Big Bang Theory was on Mondays and they moved it to Thursdays. What's the point? Leave it on the baron wasteland that is Monday.

Now every Thursday we're forced to play the watch live versus DVR game. And on top of that, there are sports on. If you're recording two shows on my DVR, you can't watch a third channel. If there's a sporting event, I'm screwed. Tonight there's an NBA double-header on TNT. In a few weeks,

Because of the over-stuffing of Thursday nights I haven't even been able to give a fair hate-shake to Shit My Dad Says. I really would like to since the creator/writer guys have been on the FilmDrunk frotcast a couple times now. I feel like I should at least see an episode or two. I've seen multiple episodes of Outsourced and I know how fucking awful that show is. I can't even speak to Shit My Dad Says' awfulness. I barely feel comfortable talking about how bad it is.

Jersey Shore finished up last week and that helped. However, Bully Beatdown returns tonight. I love Bully Beatdown. Luckily, its on at 11.

Enough about the DVR conflicts, here's this week's Thursday rankings...

10. Outsourced

9. Shit My Dad Says

8. Read a book.

7. Bully Beatdown

6. Big Bang Theory

5. The Office

4. Always Sunny

3. 30 Rock

2. The League

1. Community

The Terriers Theme Song!

Here's the theme from Terriers. The song is called "Gunfight Epiphany" by Robert Duncan. I was going to tell you what to watch tonight, but Terriers is all that matters. Sure Cougar Town and Modern Family are cool, but Terriers is awesome.

Watch These Shows

There's stuff on television every night. I'm here to help you because your taste in television is seriously awful.

Terriers -10e - FX

Terriers is on tonight! I was so excited I initially said it was on last night. I'm not willing to get behind it quite as vehemently as Rex got behind Rubicon, but I will say I'm a fan. Tonight, Britt gets kidnapped by his old partner and is taken to Mexico. I hope Hank can save him. Though I am a little disappointed that Terriers isn't doing a Halloween episode. That would get ratings!

World Series - 8e - Fox

Its the World Series and it gets shitty ratings so if you people don't start watching, Fox will cancel the World Series. Do you really want the World Series to go the way of Arrested Development? You people are really going to regret this when you're watching the World Series on IFC at 10pm in a few years and you're thinking, "Why did they have to cancel the World Series? This show is awesome!"

Better With You - 8:30e - ABC

Nick Swisher's future wife is on this show! Tonight's episode is called "Better With Halloween." That prompted me to check and... yup! All the episodes are titled "Better With..." How clever! Let's see what happens. "Mia and Casey offer to give Maddie a Halloween-free party for her birthday." Somebody has a holiday birthday!

Modern Family - 9e - ABC

Julie Bowen, Sofia Vergara and Sarah Hyland in Halloween costumes. Yay!

Cougar Town - 9:30e - ABC

Another Halloween episode. One of the characters dresses as The Rocketeer which is why Cougar Town is awesome despite the name.

South Park - 10e - Comedy Central

"Coon and friends set out to help the victims of BP's latest catastrophic drilling accident." BP be getting lampooned!

Watch These Shows!

There's lots of television on every single day. Unlike the last week, I'm going to tell you what you should and shouldn't watch.

Sons of Anarchy - 10e - FX

A 90-minute episode. I'm guessing shit gets heavy.

Dancing With The Stars - 9e - ABC

I spoke with my mother earlier today. She thinks that Audrina gets voted off tonight. She also predicts Brandi will win, but she's not a fan.

NBA Basketball! - 7:30e - TNT

Basketball is back! Three games tonight, one is on the free League Pass preview. I just got a cable box for my room today so I'll be able to watch basketball every night. No wrestling for the remote for me.

Lala Marries Melo - 8e - VH1

This show has been on, but I have no idea if its over or in the middle of the run. This show just doesn't interest me. Neither as a sports blogger or a television blogger.

Tosh.0 - 8e-10e - Comedy Central

A mini-marathon. Always amusing.

Nick Swardson's Pretend Time - 10e - Comedy Central

Definitely worth DVRing.

Bad Girls Club - 9e - Oxygen

BGC remains one of the most important shows on television.

Don't Watch:

16 and Pregnant

I hate that show and everyone involved with it. I also don't like Teen Mom. Or Hoarders. That show creeps me out.

THIS BLOG STILL EXISTS!!oneleventy!1!!!!1

Yeah, I know. It's been a couple of days since I actually put any content on this here blog. Well, I've been busy. And then today... full-time blogger stuff at TBL. I'm a very important person, don't you know? Anyway, I will be back Sunday or Monday with more TV and movie talk. I'll have reviews for The Social Network and Jackass 3D next week. It's going to be big! Just you wait.

#excuses

Guest Review - Rubicon: Season 1

From time to time, I'll have a guest post from various friends from around the internet. Last weekend Gonzo reviewed RED. Today, another MLJ alum and the soon-to-be resident photoshopper, RexKramerDangerSeeker, is here to talk about the first season of Rubicon on AMC.

Rubicon was the best series of the year.

Fin.

You Should Watch This!

There's stuff on television tonight. Here is some of that stuff that you might want to watch because I said so.

Scream 2010 Awards - 9E - SpikeTV

They honor all the trendiest people who aren't too trendy to bother showing up. This year they're doing a Back II The Future reunion. Also, I expect The Expendables to receive an award for best anything ever. Also, Blake Lively will finally be honored for her work in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I do not plan on watching or even DVRing, but am certain I will see part of a rerun some night while I fall asleep.

Sons of Anarchy - 10E - FX
One of the highest quality shows on television. It's also one of the few shows that seems to strive to make you uncomfortable. I can't believe that Jax actually left Tara. I just thought those kids were destined to make it. The new girl ain't bad though...

The Bad Girls Club - 10E - Oxygen
I smile a little every time Dave Jacoby says he likes BGC on the Simmons podcast. Because I've been there since the first season. I know what's up. I know how awful and toxic these women are. If there wasn't a television between us, I would be totally creeped out and terrified.

Running Wilde - 9:30E - Fox
I've seen parts of a couple episodes. If you want to watch, I suggest you do it soon. Fox loves to get rid of marginal shows, no matter what the ratings. And from what I've seen, this show is super marginal. Its the most marginal show possible.

Nick Swardson's Pretend Time - 10E - Comedy Central
The premiere was pretty funny. It's destined to be the new Sarah Silverman show. It'll have a small, but devoted following for a year or two and then Comedy Central will start moving it around and people will stop caring.

Nick Swardson's Pretend Time	Tuesdays 10pm / 9c
Gay Robot Cards Ryan Phillippe
www.comedycentral.com
Lady Gaga's Brother: Garry Gaga Wheelchair Cat Nick Swardson on Jokes.com

I mean, between this and MacGruber, Ryan Phillippe has made a surprising turn to a comedic actor, right? Who saw that coming?

Tommy Wiseau's Short Film The House That Drips Blood On Alex

The House That Drips Blood On Alex
Tags: Atom.com,Atom Originals,Atom Blog,Upload Videos

Tommy Wiseau is a real original. That's been obvious since we first heard about The Room. For some reason, he has a new short film. It doesn't have anything quite as brilliant as "You are tearing me a-part!" but its still pretty good in a bad way.
[Atom via FilmDrunk]

You Should Watch This!

Here are some television programs I might be watching tonight when I'm not watching football like a man!

Rock of Love Girls: Where Are They Now - 9E - VH1

Now here's a show worth DVRing. It will probably be pointless, but don't you wonder what happened to the girls that Brett Michaels banged on television a few years ago? Don't tell me you don't miss Daisy de la Hoya in your life.

How I Met Your Mother - 8E - CBS
I really like HIMYM, but its never been appointment viewing. I mean, they drink all the time and there are lots of hot chicks and the show is generally funny. What's not to love? And I really like the characters. Still, I often forget to watch it on Mondays.

Hawaii Five-0 - 10E - CBS
I saw the second episode and it was really entertaining. Sure, there was a scene where a guy jumped from the second story of a building and swung down to the floor on a chain while shooting a gun, but it was still pretty good. I haven't seen a

second of the show since.

House - 8E - FOX

This used to be appointment viewing, but then Lauren and I stopped watching mid-way through last season and never caught back up. Still a good show to stumble on randomly in the afternoon.

Weeds - 10E - Showtime
Am I the only one that still watches Weeds every week? I feel like I am.

You Should Watch This!

It's Sunday! Sure, its football season and there is surely an important contest going on tonight in the baseball playoffs, but its also a great night for TV! And I'm going to tell you all about it! Or just tell you some about it!

Boardwalk Empire - 9E - HBO

Are you watching Boardwalk Empire? Its really good. It's not The Wire, but its a good watch. Think the opposite of John From Cincinnati. Do you remember how weird that show was? I think I watched that entire series and it was so confusing that I couldn't tell if it was bad or good - just stupid. Anyway, Boardwalk Empire is a great show. I wouldn't blame you if you waited to watch this all on DVD, but you should take advantage while its still OnDemand.

Dexter - 9E - Showtime

I caught up on this season of Dexter one night when I was drunk. This show will never recapture the originality of the first season or have a villain as good as John Lithgow again. Having said that, I love this show and am in it until the end.

Bored To Death - 10E - HBO

This show is unlike anything else on television. Its short, amusing and funny. It's not for everyone, but you should give it a shot if you haven't already.

Eastbound & Down - 10:30E - HBO
Just a sick pleasure. I doubt these guys will ever make a show of film that I won't enjoy. Also, Kenny Powers looks just like one of my relatives. (By marriage, I swear)

Undercover Boss - 9E - CBS

I would never tell you to watch this show over anything else available on Sunday. It's formulaic and predictable. That being said, its worth a view if you're ever bored. And no, the episode with the CEO of Hooters did not bring tears to my eyes. That rumor is not true!

Movie Review: RED

I was on the fence - but optimistic! - about RED so I didn't run out last night to watch it. However, a good friend of the site did. You may know Gonzo from the comments section of The Big Lead or - very rarely - as an author at Major League Jerk. He sat through the whole movie and was good enough to write up a little review....

Spoiler Are Ahead! You have been warned!

The start of the movie quickly shows Frank Moses (Bruce Willis) and his retired life. He wakes up everyday to a large nothingness of a house in a small town. There's a shot of the neighborhood full of picket fences with families containing 2.5 kids and a dog. The director feels it should only take 30 seconds or so to show you that Frank is just a regular guy. And he's very fucking bored with it. Except for Sara (Mary-Louise Parker). Sara works at the pension office. He tears up his check (Which is only $2300. If he was so good at his job, why is he being paid like a retired cubicle drone at the DMV?), just so he can call Sara and have a new one re-issued. He uses the few minutes he spends on the phone each month to hear her voice and ask about her life. Which he promptly uses to stalk the shit out of her (I guess it's cute when he does it, but I get slapped with restraining orders every 6 weeks).

I'm not sure how to characterize this movie. It tries to be an action film, but the scenes are way too familiar and predictable (Oh look, we're in trouble! Let me take one step to the left to avoid the bullets. Now I shoot you in the face). It tries to be a comedy, but the setups to the jokes have no pop, and the zingers didn't have enough zing to make me giggle, snicker, or even burp.

The characters all basically have the same composure and serenity like they are the best at what they do and have everything under control. From Bruce Willis to Karl Urban to Helen Mirren. The only personality I saw out of anyone was when Morgan Freeman flashed his trademark smile (Perhaps they filmed his scenes minutes after he bangs his grand-daughter) [ed.note: link?]. John Malcovich tries to be the kooky, paranoid guy. At first he seems funny. But after his second scene, that goes out the window and he's the second coming of John Maclane. Even Mary Louis Parker, who we first see as just a chick working a boring cubicle job, shows no fear when bullets and hand grenades are whooshing by her face. She is background noise at best.

In closing, this is a run in the mill action flick.Unfunny and uninteresting. With a boring plot and a predictable ending. There is no building of any character, and you pretty much forget that he's doing it all for the girl. When you see it on Encore in early 2011, pass it by and watch reruns of CSI Miami. If this movie were trying to be a beard, it would barely qualify as 5 o'clock shadow.

Go To The Movies!

It's Friday and there's nothing on television tonight except for baseball. Hell, there's never anything on television on Friday. At least there hasn't been since TGIF went off the air. So with that in mind, I'll be telling you what I think about the new releases every Friday.

Jackass 3D - This one is a no-brainer and the only film where you know

exactly what you're going to get this weekend. A few years back I went to see Jackass 2D in the theater with some friends. We went to Hooters for dinner before the movie. Holy shit does Hooters suck. I mean, the food there is awful. The internet has completely destroyed Hooters business model of hot chicks and shitty food, right? You can get better chicken wings anywhere around town and eat with a picture of Meagan Good loaded on your computer, right? I'm glad we're past that point.

Anyway, Jackass 2D was hilarious. And gross. Just like every Jackass episode. I'll probably see this one in the theater. I just can't wait to have poop fly towards me in THREE DIMENSIONS!

RED - This movie looks promising, but the idea that its only PG-13 seems like a cop out. Does this movie look at all like something teenagers would want to see? They couldn't have thrown in a f-word here and there and written in a sex scene for Mary Louise Parker? I'm pretty sure she would have been up for it. Anyway, I'm cautiously optimistic for this one. If nothing else, its a good cast.

Who Says MTV Doesn't Play Music Videos Anymore?

Last night, between the premiere of the new Jersey Shore and the repeat of the new Jersey Shore MTV showed a music video. This wouldn't be so notable except the music video appeared on MTV. Weird, right? The best part is that they even blocked off an entire 5 minutes for the video and put it in the program guide. How classic is that?

And if you were wondering which MTV networks were showing videos earlier in the evening, Yahoo!'s Kelly Dwyer pointed out that there weren't any.

Bad Night For New Jersey: South Park Bombs Them, The Situation Bounced From Dancing With The Stars

I have to give credit where it's due. Last night's episode of South Park, "It's a Jersey Thing," was awesome. Why this timely and hilarious episode wasn't the season premiere, its beyond me. Last week Trey and Matt put out the unispired NASCAR episode that made me warn everyone that South Park was hit-or-miss. Then last night, the brought in Al Qaeda to destroy the Jersey hoard. It really was South Park at its best - destroying popular culture and doing outrageous shit that no one else would even think about.

In the episode, South Park has to deal with the ever-expanding state of New Jersey.

It's a Jersey Thing
Tags: SOUTH
PARKRandy Marsh,Eric Cartman,more...

Sure, the tortured The Situation - while he held his shirt up to show off his abs, of course - but the highlight was the absolute destruction of Snookie.

It's a Jersey Thing
Tags: SOUTH
PARKRandy Marsh,Eric Cartman,more...

Its just so cruel. Hey, when they're on, they're on. You can watch the entire episode at South Park Studios.

Earlier in the evening, The Situation was voted off Dancing With The Stars. Before he left, he gave America something to think about.

So what does this mean for Jersey Shore? Are we reaching the saturation point? Is it time for The Situation to start walking away from us? Are we even ready for that? These are the questions I don't want answered.

You Should Watch This!

Every day around lunchtime I'm going to highlight some of the evening's best and worst programming. I'll let you know what you should watch, DVR and watch if you just need background noise.

It seems like there is way too much to watch on Thursdays so I'm just going to put the most important shows in order.

1. Community - NBC - 8E

The brilliance of the show is that Abed befriend a pregnant woman and deliver a baby and its all in the background.

2. 30 Rock - NBC - 8:30E

30 Rock opened this season strong after a mediocre 4th season. Tonight's episode is live from Studio 8H. Live network television!? Well this will never work! Let's hope Tracey Jor - Mor - er... Either one goes off the rails.

3. The League - FX - 10:30E

I hope that Rafi becomes a pop-in/pop-out character. Same for Dirty Randy.

4. Jersey Shore

I do not like Creepy Sitch. Not one bit.

5. Always Sunny

The Gang hasn't had the comeback year that 30 Rock has, that's for sure.

6. The Office

Last week was pretty good. Not third season good, but good. Despite the fact that I haven't watched religiously over the last season, I'm still kind of invested in these characters. And I'm a big fan of Ellie Kemper who was also in Mystery Team.

7. Big Bang Theory

I really wish they had left this on Monday. I haven't seen a single episode this year because its on opposite Community and I'm still conditioned to watch BBT on Mondays at 9:30.

Only watch it ironically on DVR late Friday night when you're shitfaced to make fun of with friends - Outsourced and Shit My Dad Says - I'm not going to tell you when either of these shows are one because I don't endorse either seriously. However, they're fairly well-known new shows that got awful reviews. Say what you will about Better With You, at least ABC didn't promote it.

The Challenge: Cutthroat Bids Farewell To JD and Mandi - Whoever They Are

The second episode of Cutthroat aired last night and we saw JD and Mandi go into the Gulag and look pathetic. They had their asses kicked by Brandon and Cara Maria respectively.

Mandi was apparently Wes' partner on Fresh Meat II. Despite the fact that she's a pretty blonde, I did not remember her at all. I'm guessing Wes carried her ass all over the challenge before finally collapsing.

JD was on RW: Brooklyn. Now that I think about it, he was the gay guy that was very touched by the Pedro documentary. I really hated that season of the real world.

I'm just wondering how much longer MTV is going to tease us with CT's return. This is the Snookie-punch of Cutthroat.

Snickers' Creepy Halloween Commercial

I love this commercial. I can't say that enough. The mask. The extreme height. The awesomely fake voice. If you saw this person in the grocery store you would literally (Figuratively) shit yourself.

My absolute favorite part is when she starts to turn away and the kid sticks out the long fake arm and just pulls the cart back. It gets me every time.

Bless Snickers' advetising department. Unlike Skittles who usually goes for the disturbingly random and werid, they have a long history of funny commercials. Including, two of my all-time favorite football-related ads.

These commercials have to be 10-15 years old at this point and I remember them perfectly. I don't eat Snickers, but dammit if they haven't earned my loyalty. Someone asks what kind of candy they should get, I immediately suggest Snickers. They ask if I want to share one and I say, "fuck no," but they should definitely get one anyway.

Yes, I will be covering great ads from time-to-time. They are on the television after all.

You Should Watch This!

Every day around lunchtime I'm going to highlight some of the evening's best and worst programming. I'll let you know what you should watch, DVR and watch if you just need background noise.

Watch Live!

Terriers - FX - 10E

If you're not watching Terriers, you should be. Best new show on television? Perhaps. Terriers is something I want to watch while Boardwalk Empire is something I feel like I need to watch. (And Boardwalk is awesome.) But I'm addicted to this show. If you've missed the first few episodes, catch up online at the FX website. All 4 of the first episodes are streaming. I'm telling you, you will love this show.

Modern Family - ABC - 9E

Just watch this because if you don't people that watch it will think you're dumb. Its good, but I'm not as gaga over it as some. (/nods at clown)

Cougar Town - ABC - 9:30E

This has turned into one of my favorite shows. Definitely don't say that near Modern Family fans. Cougar Town sucked when it started and the creators changed midstream. Now its funny, kind of sweet and always entertaining. Maybe I'm just a sucker for Ian Gomez and Christa Miller from the Drew Carey Show days. (I'll get into that in the future.)

DVR

South Park - Comedy Central - 10E

Ehhh... Actually, you should just set your DVR and maybe watch this sometime later this week if the episode garners a lot of buzz. South Park episodes are kind of hit or miss these days. Sometimes you're 5 minutes into an episode thinking "Holy shit! This is brilliant." And other times, "Hey, Cartman is trying to be even dumber and he's eating Vagasil. lol?" Unless there's buzz, South Park can be skipped, but you've got to DVR because every few episodes people get a hard-on for this show.

The Challenge: Cutthroat - MTV - 10E

Your regular addictive MTV offering. Three teams this year. A bunch of mostly/kind of attractive and damaged girls that grow on you because they're the only females around. DVR and watch after Terriers.

UFC - SpikeTV - 10E & 11E

A new episode of TUF and the second installment of Primetime: Lensar vs. Velasquez. Even on a TV and movie blog, I can't get away from MMA. DVR both and watch them at your leisure.

White Noise

Better With You - ABC - 8:30E

Saw the pilot and this show sucked. Based on the characters, there's no possible way this show became decent. Its only worth watching if you have beer and multiple people in your living room to joke about the show with. Couples at different stages of relationships act different! *laugh track*

Hell's Kitchen - FOX - 8E

I usually end up watching this while I wait for Modern Family to start. That means I usually miss Better With You, which is ok because that show sucks.

[Cutthroat cast via MTV.com]

Movie Review: SALT

Released 2010

IMDB - 6.5

Rotten Tomatoes - 61%

I watched an illegal download of Salt last night. I'm kidding of course. I went to the movies to see Salt (sea salt?) last night. After buying my popcorn and getting my 68oz soda, I sat down for some trailers and a good action movie. What I got was a How I Met Your Mother rerun and a mixed bag of action and what the fuck was that? Also, the soda sizes at the local cinema are outrageous.

*Spoiler Alert! I'm going to spoil some shit! Be warned! I might ruin this shitty movie!*

Salt is a Russian spy who works for the CIA. But she is also not... There are lots of twists. Basically everyone works for everyone and you can't trust anyone. Even the guy that's on her side isn't and she isn't on his side even though she is. Did you get that? Don't worry, if you watch it, it makes sense. Its just fucking stupid.

Now, having said all that, Salt had its moments. There's some badass action sequences and a fire extinguisher rocket launcher that she fashions in the first part of the movie. There's plenty of badassery, but its ruined by the usual over-the-top stuff that make you say, "Well, there's no way in Hell a person could actually do that."

Case in point - Angelina Jolie brawling with Liev Scrheiber. Liev must outweigh Jolie by 150 pounds. Angelina Jolie is like 110 pounds of twisted sex appeal. I don't care if she works the pads with Freddie Roach on a regular basis, she's not beating up a grown-ass man.

Then there's the part where she's jumping down an elevator shaft. Not straight down, but from side to side... You really have to watch it to understand how stupid this scene was.

Salt is supposed to be some sort of female Jason Bourne, I get that. Just because Bourne is 100 pounds lighter doesn't mean he has the leaping ability of a cat.

Oh, and the ending. Oooh... the ending. I won't spoil that for you, but you're going to leave the theater (*wink*) thinking, "That was the ending? There's going to be a fucking sequel to this pile of shit?"

Important Spoiler That May Affect Your Decision To See This Film

Angelina Jolie does not take off her clothes in this film. Obviously, its PG-13. There's just a shitload of violence.

Outstanding Supporting Actors

Hunt Block as the President - This guy is a soap opera actor and boy can you tell when he delivers his three lines.

Chiwetel Ejiofor as Peabody - Seriously? Peabody was his character name? I missed that part. He's fine throughout the movie, but in the final scene that I'm not going to ruin he makes the weirdest faces. It'll bring you right back to your uncle's basement.

Fun facts!

The big highway chase scene was filmed in Albany, New York. That's where I live! Look for roads that I sometimes drive on. Doesn't that sound like fun?

Overall Rating

Obviously, I'm still trying to figure out a rating system. For now I'll just let you know if you should or shouldn't see this film. Watch this some lazy afternoon when you stumble on it on HBO. And look out for that sequel!

You Watched That?

Yes, I did and I'm going to tell you all about it. Movies, television shows... is there anything else to watch? Anyway, I write about sports all the time so this is where I can tell you why your favorite shows suck and mine are great. Same for your awful taste in movies. Get over it.

Also, it'll be nice to just use pictures that I find on the internet. You know, wild-west-style! If I want to throw up a picture of Scarlett Johnasson for no good reason, well, that's a good enough reason here at You Watched That?

Hell, I might bring start re-running the Girls of TGIF posts again. [Link redacted so you don't go read them all now. In fact, forget I said anything.]

Tune in [sometime in the future] for a new post about a movie I saw or a TV show I watched. I do plan on discussing certain favorite shows like Community, The League, Cougar Town and others on a weekly basis. This much I promise you. And every Monday, I promise a post where I cover the weekend box office and rail against how freaking stupid Americans are. Plus, I'll use words like fuck.