Movie Review: RED

I was on the fence - but optimistic! - about RED so I didn't run out last night to watch it. However, a good friend of the site did. You may know Gonzo from the comments section of The Big Lead or - very rarely - as an author at Major League Jerk. He sat through the whole movie and was good enough to write up a little review....

Spoiler Are Ahead! You have been warned!

The start of the movie quickly shows Frank Moses (Bruce Willis) and his retired life. He wakes up everyday to a large nothingness of a house in a small town. There's a shot of the neighborhood full of picket fences with families containing 2.5 kids and a dog. The director feels it should only take 30 seconds or so to show you that Frank is just a regular guy. And he's very fucking bored with it. Except for Sara (Mary-Louise Parker). Sara works at the pension office. He tears up his check (Which is only $2300. If he was so good at his job, why is he being paid like a retired cubicle drone at the DMV?), just so he can call Sara and have a new one re-issued. He uses the few minutes he spends on the phone each month to hear her voice and ask about her life. Which he promptly uses to stalk the shit out of her (I guess it's cute when he does it, but I get slapped with restraining orders every 6 weeks).

I'm not sure how to characterize this movie. It tries to be an action film, but the scenes are way too familiar and predictable (Oh look, we're in trouble! Let me take one step to the left to avoid the bullets. Now I shoot you in the face). It tries to be a comedy, but the setups to the jokes have no pop, and the zingers didn't have enough zing to make me giggle, snicker, or even burp.

The characters all basically have the same composure and serenity like they are the best at what they do and have everything under control. From Bruce Willis to Karl Urban to Helen Mirren. The only personality I saw out of anyone was when Morgan Freeman flashed his trademark smile (Perhaps they filmed his scenes minutes after he bangs his grand-daughter) [ed.note: link?]. John Malcovich tries to be the kooky, paranoid guy. At first he seems funny. But after his second scene, that goes out the window and he's the second coming of John Maclane. Even Mary Louis Parker, who we first see as just a chick working a boring cubicle job, shows no fear when bullets and hand grenades are whooshing by her face. She is background noise at best.

In closing, this is a run in the mill action flick.Unfunny and uninteresting. With a boring plot and a predictable ending. There is no building of any character, and you pretty much forget that he's doing it all for the girl. When you see it on Encore in early 2011, pass it by and watch reruns of CSI Miami. If this movie were trying to be a beard, it would barely qualify as 5 o'clock shadow.

Movie Review: SALT

Released 2010

IMDB - 6.5

Rotten Tomatoes - 61%

I watched an illegal download of Salt last night. I'm kidding of course. I went to the movies to see Salt (sea salt?) last night. After buying my popcorn and getting my 68oz soda, I sat down for some trailers and a good action movie. What I got was a How I Met Your Mother rerun and a mixed bag of action and what the fuck was that? Also, the soda sizes at the local cinema are outrageous.

*Spoiler Alert! I'm going to spoil some shit! Be warned! I might ruin this shitty movie!*

Salt is a Russian spy who works for the CIA. But she is also not... There are lots of twists. Basically everyone works for everyone and you can't trust anyone. Even the guy that's on her side isn't and she isn't on his side even though she is. Did you get that? Don't worry, if you watch it, it makes sense. Its just fucking stupid.

Now, having said all that, Salt had its moments. There's some badass action sequences and a fire extinguisher rocket launcher that she fashions in the first part of the movie. There's plenty of badassery, but its ruined by the usual over-the-top stuff that make you say, "Well, there's no way in Hell a person could actually do that."

Case in point - Angelina Jolie brawling with Liev Scrheiber. Liev must outweigh Jolie by 150 pounds. Angelina Jolie is like 110 pounds of twisted sex appeal. I don't care if she works the pads with Freddie Roach on a regular basis, she's not beating up a grown-ass man.

Then there's the part where she's jumping down an elevator shaft. Not straight down, but from side to side... You really have to watch it to understand how stupid this scene was.

Salt is supposed to be some sort of female Jason Bourne, I get that. Just because Bourne is 100 pounds lighter doesn't mean he has the leaping ability of a cat.

Oh, and the ending. Oooh... the ending. I won't spoil that for you, but you're going to leave the theater (*wink*) thinking, "That was the ending? There's going to be a fucking sequel to this pile of shit?"

Important Spoiler That May Affect Your Decision To See This Film

Angelina Jolie does not take off her clothes in this film. Obviously, its PG-13. There's just a shitload of violence.

Outstanding Supporting Actors

Hunt Block as the President - This guy is a soap opera actor and boy can you tell when he delivers his three lines.

Chiwetel Ejiofor as Peabody - Seriously? Peabody was his character name? I missed that part. He's fine throughout the movie, but in the final scene that I'm not going to ruin he makes the weirdest faces. It'll bring you right back to your uncle's basement.

Fun facts!

The big highway chase scene was filmed in Albany, New York. That's where I live! Look for roads that I sometimes drive on. Doesn't that sound like fun?

Overall Rating

Obviously, I'm still trying to figure out a rating system. For now I'll just let you know if you should or shouldn't see this film. Watch this some lazy afternoon when you stumble on it on HBO. And look out for that sequel!