I watched an illegal download of Salt last night. I'm kidding of course. I went to the movies to see Salt (sea salt?) last night. After buying my popcorn and getting my 68oz soda, I sat down for some trailers and a good action movie. What I got was a How I Met Your Mother rerun and a mixed bag of action and what the fuck was that? Also, the soda sizes at the local cinema are outrageous.
*Spoiler Alert! I'm going to spoil some shit! Be warned! I might ruin this shitty movie!*
Salt is a Russian spy who works for the CIA. But she is also not... There are lots of twists. Basically everyone works for everyone and you can't trust anyone. Even the guy that's on her side isn't and she isn't on his side even though she is. Did you get that? Don't worry, if you watch it, it makes sense. Its just fucking stupid.
Now, having said all that, Salt had its moments. There's some badass action sequences and a fire extinguisher rocket launcher that she fashions in the first part of the movie. There's plenty of badassery, but its ruined by the usual over-the-top stuff that make you say, "Well, there's no way in Hell a person could actually do that."
Case in point - Angelina Jolie brawling with Liev Scrheiber. Liev must outweigh Jolie by 150 pounds. Angelina Jolie is like 110 pounds of twisted sex appeal. I don't care if she works the pads with Freddie Roach on a regular basis, she's not beating up a grown-ass man.
Then there's the part where she's jumping down an elevator shaft. Not straight down, but from side to side... You really have to watch it to understand how stupid this scene was.
Salt is supposed to be some sort of female Jason Bourne, I get that. Just because Bourne is 100 pounds lighter doesn't mean he has the leaping ability of a cat.
Oh, and the ending. Oooh... the ending. I won't spoil that for you, but you're going to leave the theater (*wink*) thinking, "That was the ending? There's going to be a fucking sequel to this pile of shit?"
Important Spoiler That May Affect Your Decision To See This Film
Angelina Jolie does not take off her clothes in this film. Obviously, its PG-13. There's just a shitload of violence.
Outstanding Supporting Actors
Hunt Block as the President - This guy is a soap opera actor and boy can you tell when he delivers his three lines.
Chiwetel Ejiofor as Peabody - Seriously? Peabody was his character name? I missed that part. He's fine throughout the movie, but in the final scene that I'm not going to ruin he makes the weirdest faces. It'll bring you right back to your uncle's basement.
The big highway chase scene was filmed in Albany, New York. That's where I live! Look for roads that I sometimes drive on. Doesn't that sound like fun?
Obviously, I'm still trying to figure out a rating system. For now I'll just let you know if you should or shouldn't see this film. Watch this some lazy afternoon when you stumble on it on HBO. And look out for that sequel!