MTV's Skins: What's Not To Love? Everything.

MTV will air the third episode of SKINS tonight. Despite the fact that its been universally panned, I gave Skins a chance. (2.7 on IMDB. 2.7! Try and find another television show with a number like that.) Spoiler alert: It sucked. Here is my story.

When I first heard that MTV was producing a remake of the popular British television show Skins, I said, "There's a popular British television show called Skins? What's it about?" Eventually, I found out that it was a show about teenagers getting drunk, getting high and getting laid. Sounded promising enough. The fact that it was popular in England and we would be getting a remake didn't sound all that promising. Especially since it was on MTV.

MTV's last scripted adventure was the Hard Times of RJ Berger. (I even surprised myself by remembering the actual name of that show.) Couple that with the fact that its an American remake of a British hit (The Office... and what else has worked?) and you've got a recipe for awfulness.

Oh, and then there's the fact that every promo (And dear Beth Gaga Shaggy were there a lot of promos) looked like utter shit. Sorry, it just did.

However, there was a Jersey Shore lead-in and I have a morbid curiosity to see any television show that is bad so that I can feel good about making fun of it. Did Skins ever live up (down?) to that.

From the opening scene to... every scene that followed, I hated that show. It was horrible, unbelievable and unrealistic. Plus, every single character was an asshole. There wasn't a single person on the entire show that I liked. The lead kid is a douche. The buddy with the shaved head wears sleeveless shirts. (His parents obviously didn't check the closet for the Sleeve Monster) Who are these people? None of them act like real teenagers. And what kind of awful parents would ever let their kids get away with shit like this?

Look, I have no problem suspending disbelief, but I thought this was supposed to be sort realistic. I just couldn't believe any of it.

Having been perfectly underwhelmed, I had to see the original which happens to be on Netflix streaming. Minutes after the American version of Skins had finished, I watched the first episode of the original.

It was pretty damn good. The characters were likable, and funny and seemed more like real people. Even though they were doing the exact same things that I found completely unrealistic in the remake. I have no problem with the Brits crashing a rich kid party, stealing a car, accidentally putting it into a river and walking away, but the idea of something like that happening in the remake is absolutely preposterous.

In the original, you could see how people would be friends with Tony. Sid isn't a goofy character. he's a nice, quiet kid. In the remake, Tony is a douchebag who I can imagine anyone wanting to be friends with. His face is infinitely punchable. In the remake, Sid/Stanley is a slimy looking retard with long hair in his eyes. Who gives a shit if he's a virgin? He should be.

Obviously, I'm not some old-school Skins die-hard who abhorred the remake as soon as I heard about it. I'm just a guy who stumbled onto the show and was abhorred at what I found. Its sad that the advertisers are dropping out because of the subject matter instead of the actual product. Imagine that.

The more that I read and the more that I see of the original and remake just make me scratch my head. Characters have been changed for no good reason. Story lines and details are confused. Its just a clusterfuck from start to finish. I'm not offended that they remade this. I'm offended that they made this.

Why Julie & Julia Can Suck It

On Saturday night I sat down to watch Julie & Julia with my best gal. Of course, anyone familiar with my body of work assumes that it was my idea, but I swear Marie A. is the one who brought the DVD home.

We watched Julie & Julia through the lens of two bloggers. One of us gets paid to make fairly obvious jokes about sports on a blog - the other writes about 18th century France for fun. We've both been blogging for years now. And maybe that's why the movie was absolutely maddening.

The performances were fine. We had both heard that Amy Adams' Julie portion of the movie sucked while Meryl Streep pwneffed the role of Julia Child. I though made-up-to-appear frumpy Amy Adams was just fine. They gave her a bad early 21st-century haircut and decided she would wear baggy clothes as her character ingested 3500 butter-soaked calories every day for a year. Personally, I thought Streep's Child was cartoonish, but that's Julia Child.

So all that - the main characters, the supporting characters, the dialog - was just fine. It was your normal, light romantic comedy with a little twist of telling two different, but similar stories at once. Good for them.

I HATED Julie & Julia. As a blogger, it offended me. It angered me. It made me want to look up the IP addresses of every single one of her commenters and fly around the country kicking their asses like the end of *spoiler alert* Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. This idiot housewife got a fucking book deal because there was an article on her in the New York Times? Not just one, but 60 literary agents and publishers called that day? Is this really how it happened? Why are people so stupid? She wrote about recreating a cookbook and multiple people with the power to do so decided that it should be turned into a book? Why would you turn that into a book?

READ THE BLOG. ITS FREE. WHAT MORE COULD SHE ADD IN A BOOK? WHY!?!?!?

In the end, the movie made me both mad and depressed. Don't watch this movie alone. Or preferably, at all.

Preview: NBC's The Cape

You can't cast dispersions on television shows just because the main character is wearing a cape. Superman wore a cape. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and let you say anything bad about him.

Movie Review: Black Swan

IMDB: 8.9

Rotten Tomatoes: 88%

Some Spoilers Ahead

I attended a screening of Black Swan last night. It was every bit as insane, real, weird and uncomfortable as a Darren Aronofsky would be. It was also as ballet-able as a movie about ballet could possibly be. But overall, it was just a really good movie.

Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis were great together and... well, you've probably heard by now what happens. Yes, it is as great as it sounds. They play all the emotions of your standard romantic comedy relationship - hate, friendship, love, betrayal - without any of the awful acting or unbelievable story. Also, they're both really pretty girls.

Portman's mother, played by Barbara Hershey, is creepy as hell. Completely different from Ellen Burstyn in Requiem for a Dream, but just as weird. Did I mention Mila Kunis?

Black Swan was nearly equal to 127 Hours in uncomfortable viewing moments. The main thing I took from the movie was how freaking painful ballet must be. If I have daughters, there's no way they're taking dance lessons. I think I'd rather have them play football. I also know, that I'll never be able to look at a hangnail again without fear that I might pull out a feather.

The most surprising thing about Black Swan was the number of laughs it got. Honestly, I think it came from how uncomfortable everyone was. I kind of wanted to tell people to shut up. I guess you could have laughed more during The Wrestler, but I think you'd have to be a little "special" to do so.

Black Swan is a crazy movie about a subject that is the least crazy you can think of. Portman makes it all work was she melts down for the entire film. Just a crazy performance. Crazy.

Boardwalk Empire: A 7th Grade English Paper Review

From time to time, friends of the site will contribute reviews of different programs or movies. Heck, in the future I might even contribute reviews or thoughts on stuff. Who knows!? Here's 1 Happy St's review of Boardwalk Empire, as told through the lens of a 7th grade English paper.

In general, I have enjoyed Boardwalk Empire. It has been slow moving at times, but also very exciting at others. I have also enjoyed some of the acting performances, while not enjoying a few as well.

Boardwalk Empire is a show that debuted earlier this year to much fanfare. It was said to be similar in style to The Sopranos, however I have not found that to be true at all. The pace of the show has been slow moving at times, like the storyline with the Irish immigrant lady who seems to be all over the place. Other times the show is pretty exciting, like the car ride between the convict and the crooked FBI agent. That was pretty tense.

I have enjoyed a couple of the acting performances like the guy with the messed up face. But I have not liked the acting performance of the guy who plays Jimmy Darmody. I'm really bored with that guy. All he does is stand around in his wife beater and he has a stupid haircut.

In conclusion, I have enjoyed Boardwalk Empire in general. Granted it has been slow moving at times, but also very exciting at others. I have also enjoyed some but not all of the acting performances. And that is why I have enjoyed Boardwalk Empire.

Jon Dore On Conan

Canadian/comedian Jon Dore was on Conan on Thursday night. For days I was thinking of a legitimate reason to use the video of his appearance on The Big Lead, but just couldn't fit it in in my usual awkward manner. (/twss) Then, suddenly, I remembered that I have a severely neglected blog about television and movies.

If you're not familiar with Jon Dore, he's the guy behind the television show, The Jon Dore Television Show. The brilliant, but sometimes disturbing program aired on IFC in America and my roommate and I discovered it about a year ago in reruns. Its finally available on iTunes - season 1, season 2 - and I'm hoping eventually it makes it to DVD.

Conan's Back

Conan O'Brien returned to the television set last night for the premiere of Conan on TBS. I watched. I had to be reminded by my girlfriend because I was watching sports all night, but once I was reminded, I made sure to tun in at 11pm. Hell, I even sat through the final 90 seconds of an episode of Family Guy so I'd be sure to see the opening. That's how you can tell I was serious.

The show itself was good. Its a much loser feel than other late night shows and that's what makes it so enjoyable.

See, I like Conan. I really do. I'm sure there are tweets somewhere about how pissed off I was that Leno was kicking Conan off the Tonight Show. I was probably one of the offended interneters. I'm a small part of the reason that Conan got another show. Totally.

But will I be a dedicated viewer? I doubt it. I'm sure I'll watch a few episodes when the NBA slate is done early. I'll definitely tune in Thursday night for Jon Dore's appearance.

I was never a loyal viewer during Conan's time on the Tonight Show or the Late Show. I just wonder how long he'll be on TBS. I'm sure it will be a few years. The George Lopez has been on TBS for at least a year and he's been fine without me seeing even a second of his show.

I guess I'm just happy to have Conan back on television, even if I'm not watching.

Thursday Night Power Rankings

Thursday night is the busiest night on television. Wednesday is the second best nght Why? Why don't they move a couple shows to Monday or Tuesday? Hell, Big Bang Theory was on Mondays and they moved it to Thursdays. What's the point? Leave it on the baron wasteland that is Monday.

Now every Thursday we're forced to play the watch live versus DVR game. And on top of that, there are sports on. If you're recording two shows on my DVR, you can't watch a third channel. If there's a sporting event, I'm screwed. Tonight there's an NBA double-header on TNT. In a few weeks,

Because of the over-stuffing of Thursday nights I haven't even been able to give a fair hate-shake to Shit My Dad Says. I really would like to since the creator/writer guys have been on the FilmDrunk frotcast a couple times now. I feel like I should at least see an episode or two. I've seen multiple episodes of Outsourced and I know how fucking awful that show is. I can't even speak to Shit My Dad Says' awfulness. I barely feel comfortable talking about how bad it is.

Jersey Shore finished up last week and that helped. However, Bully Beatdown returns tonight. I love Bully Beatdown. Luckily, its on at 11.

Enough about the DVR conflicts, here's this week's Thursday rankings...

10. Outsourced

9. Shit My Dad Says

8. Read a book.

7. Bully Beatdown

6. Big Bang Theory

5. The Office

4. Always Sunny

3. 30 Rock

2. The League

1. Community

The Terriers Theme Song!

Here's the theme from Terriers. The song is called "Gunfight Epiphany" by Robert Duncan. I was going to tell you what to watch tonight, but Terriers is all that matters. Sure Cougar Town and Modern Family are cool, but Terriers is awesome.

Watch These Shows

There's stuff on television every night. I'm here to help you because your taste in television is seriously awful.

Terriers -10e - FX

Terriers is on tonight! I was so excited I initially said it was on last night. I'm not willing to get behind it quite as vehemently as Rex got behind Rubicon, but I will say I'm a fan. Tonight, Britt gets kidnapped by his old partner and is taken to Mexico. I hope Hank can save him. Though I am a little disappointed that Terriers isn't doing a Halloween episode. That would get ratings!

World Series - 8e - Fox

Its the World Series and it gets shitty ratings so if you people don't start watching, Fox will cancel the World Series. Do you really want the World Series to go the way of Arrested Development? You people are really going to regret this when you're watching the World Series on IFC at 10pm in a few years and you're thinking, "Why did they have to cancel the World Series? This show is awesome!"

Better With You - 8:30e - ABC

Nick Swisher's future wife is on this show! Tonight's episode is called "Better With Halloween." That prompted me to check and... yup! All the episodes are titled "Better With..." How clever! Let's see what happens. "Mia and Casey offer to give Maddie a Halloween-free party for her birthday." Somebody has a holiday birthday!

Modern Family - 9e - ABC

Julie Bowen, Sofia Vergara and Sarah Hyland in Halloween costumes. Yay!

Cougar Town - 9:30e - ABC

Another Halloween episode. One of the characters dresses as The Rocketeer which is why Cougar Town is awesome despite the name.

South Park - 10e - Comedy Central

"Coon and friends set out to help the victims of BP's latest catastrophic drilling accident." BP be getting lampooned!

Watch These Shows!

There's lots of television on every single day. Unlike the last week, I'm going to tell you what you should and shouldn't watch.

Sons of Anarchy - 10e - FX

A 90-minute episode. I'm guessing shit gets heavy.

Dancing With The Stars - 9e - ABC

I spoke with my mother earlier today. She thinks that Audrina gets voted off tonight. She also predicts Brandi will win, but she's not a fan.

NBA Basketball! - 7:30e - TNT

Basketball is back! Three games tonight, one is on the free League Pass preview. I just got a cable box for my room today so I'll be able to watch basketball every night. No wrestling for the remote for me.

Lala Marries Melo - 8e - VH1

This show has been on, but I have no idea if its over or in the middle of the run. This show just doesn't interest me. Neither as a sports blogger or a television blogger.

Tosh.0 - 8e-10e - Comedy Central

A mini-marathon. Always amusing.

Nick Swardson's Pretend Time - 10e - Comedy Central

Definitely worth DVRing.

Bad Girls Club - 9e - Oxygen

BGC remains one of the most important shows on television.

Don't Watch:

16 and Pregnant

I hate that show and everyone involved with it. I also don't like Teen Mom. Or Hoarders. That show creeps me out.

THIS BLOG STILL EXISTS!!oneleventy!1!!!!1

Yeah, I know. It's been a couple of days since I actually put any content on this here blog. Well, I've been busy. And then today... full-time blogger stuff at TBL. I'm a very important person, don't you know? Anyway, I will be back Sunday or Monday with more TV and movie talk. I'll have reviews for The Social Network and Jackass 3D next week. It's going to be big! Just you wait.

#excuses

Guest Review - Rubicon: Season 1

From time to time, I'll have a guest post from various friends from around the internet. Last weekend Gonzo reviewed RED. Today, another MLJ alum and the soon-to-be resident photoshopper, RexKramerDangerSeeker, is here to talk about the first season of Rubicon on AMC.

Rubicon was the best series of the year.

Fin.

You Should Watch This!

There's stuff on television tonight. Here is some of that stuff that you might want to watch because I said so.

Scream 2010 Awards - 9E - SpikeTV

They honor all the trendiest people who aren't too trendy to bother showing up. This year they're doing a Back II The Future reunion. Also, I expect The Expendables to receive an award for best anything ever. Also, Blake Lively will finally be honored for her work in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I do not plan on watching or even DVRing, but am certain I will see part of a rerun some night while I fall asleep.

Sons of Anarchy - 10E - FX
One of the highest quality shows on television. It's also one of the few shows that seems to strive to make you uncomfortable. I can't believe that Jax actually left Tara. I just thought those kids were destined to make it. The new girl ain't bad though...

The Bad Girls Club - 10E - Oxygen
I smile a little every time Dave Jacoby says he likes BGC on the Simmons podcast. Because I've been there since the first season. I know what's up. I know how awful and toxic these women are. If there wasn't a television between us, I would be totally creeped out and terrified.

Running Wilde - 9:30E - Fox
I've seen parts of a couple episodes. If you want to watch, I suggest you do it soon. Fox loves to get rid of marginal shows, no matter what the ratings. And from what I've seen, this show is super marginal. Its the most marginal show possible.

Nick Swardson's Pretend Time - 10E - Comedy Central
The premiere was pretty funny. It's destined to be the new Sarah Silverman show. It'll have a small, but devoted following for a year or two and then Comedy Central will start moving it around and people will stop caring.

Nick Swardson's Pretend Time	Tuesdays 10pm / 9c
Gay Robot Cards Ryan Phillippe
www.comedycentral.com
Lady Gaga's Brother: Garry Gaga Wheelchair Cat Nick Swardson on Jokes.com

I mean, between this and MacGruber, Ryan Phillippe has made a surprising turn to a comedic actor, right? Who saw that coming?

Tommy Wiseau's Short Film The House That Drips Blood On Alex

The House That Drips Blood On Alex
Tags: Atom.com,Atom Originals,Atom Blog,Upload Videos

Tommy Wiseau is a real original. That's been obvious since we first heard about The Room. For some reason, he has a new short film. It doesn't have anything quite as brilliant as "You are tearing me a-part!" but its still pretty good in a bad way.
[Atom via FilmDrunk]

You Should Watch This!

Here are some television programs I might be watching tonight when I'm not watching football like a man!

Rock of Love Girls: Where Are They Now - 9E - VH1

Now here's a show worth DVRing. It will probably be pointless, but don't you wonder what happened to the girls that Brett Michaels banged on television a few years ago? Don't tell me you don't miss Daisy de la Hoya in your life.

How I Met Your Mother - 8E - CBS
I really like HIMYM, but its never been appointment viewing. I mean, they drink all the time and there are lots of hot chicks and the show is generally funny. What's not to love? And I really like the characters. Still, I often forget to watch it on Mondays.

Hawaii Five-0 - 10E - CBS
I saw the second episode and it was really entertaining. Sure, there was a scene where a guy jumped from the second story of a building and swung down to the floor on a chain while shooting a gun, but it was still pretty good. I haven't seen a

second of the show since.

House - 8E - FOX

This used to be appointment viewing, but then Lauren and I stopped watching mid-way through last season and never caught back up. Still a good show to stumble on randomly in the afternoon.

Weeds - 10E - Showtime
Am I the only one that still watches Weeds every week? I feel like I am.

You Should Watch This!

It's Sunday! Sure, its football season and there is surely an important contest going on tonight in the baseball playoffs, but its also a great night for TV! And I'm going to tell you all about it! Or just tell you some about it!

Boardwalk Empire - 9E - HBO

Are you watching Boardwalk Empire? Its really good. It's not The Wire, but its a good watch. Think the opposite of John From Cincinnati. Do you remember how weird that show was? I think I watched that entire series and it was so confusing that I couldn't tell if it was bad or good - just stupid. Anyway, Boardwalk Empire is a great show. I wouldn't blame you if you waited to watch this all on DVD, but you should take advantage while its still OnDemand.

Dexter - 9E - Showtime

I caught up on this season of Dexter one night when I was drunk. This show will never recapture the originality of the first season or have a villain as good as John Lithgow again. Having said that, I love this show and am in it until the end.

Bored To Death - 10E - HBO

This show is unlike anything else on television. Its short, amusing and funny. It's not for everyone, but you should give it a shot if you haven't already.

Eastbound & Down - 10:30E - HBO
Just a sick pleasure. I doubt these guys will ever make a show of film that I won't enjoy. Also, Kenny Powers looks just like one of my relatives. (By marriage, I swear)

Undercover Boss - 9E - CBS

I would never tell you to watch this show over anything else available on Sunday. It's formulaic and predictable. That being said, its worth a view if you're ever bored. And no, the episode with the CEO of Hooters did not bring tears to my eyes. That rumor is not true!

Movie Review: RED

I was on the fence - but optimistic! - about RED so I didn't run out last night to watch it. However, a good friend of the site did. You may know Gonzo from the comments section of The Big Lead or - very rarely - as an author at Major League Jerk. He sat through the whole movie and was good enough to write up a little review....

Spoiler Are Ahead! You have been warned!

The start of the movie quickly shows Frank Moses (Bruce Willis) and his retired life. He wakes up everyday to a large nothingness of a house in a small town. There's a shot of the neighborhood full of picket fences with families containing 2.5 kids and a dog. The director feels it should only take 30 seconds or so to show you that Frank is just a regular guy. And he's very fucking bored with it. Except for Sara (Mary-Louise Parker). Sara works at the pension office. He tears up his check (Which is only $2300. If he was so good at his job, why is he being paid like a retired cubicle drone at the DMV?), just so he can call Sara and have a new one re-issued. He uses the few minutes he spends on the phone each month to hear her voice and ask about her life. Which he promptly uses to stalk the shit out of her (I guess it's cute when he does it, but I get slapped with restraining orders every 6 weeks).

I'm not sure how to characterize this movie. It tries to be an action film, but the scenes are way too familiar and predictable (Oh look, we're in trouble! Let me take one step to the left to avoid the bullets. Now I shoot you in the face). It tries to be a comedy, but the setups to the jokes have no pop, and the zingers didn't have enough zing to make me giggle, snicker, or even burp.

The characters all basically have the same composure and serenity like they are the best at what they do and have everything under control. From Bruce Willis to Karl Urban to Helen Mirren. The only personality I saw out of anyone was when Morgan Freeman flashed his trademark smile (Perhaps they filmed his scenes minutes after he bangs his grand-daughter) [ed.note: link?]. John Malcovich tries to be the kooky, paranoid guy. At first he seems funny. But after his second scene, that goes out the window and he's the second coming of John Maclane. Even Mary Louis Parker, who we first see as just a chick working a boring cubicle job, shows no fear when bullets and hand grenades are whooshing by her face. She is background noise at best.

In closing, this is a run in the mill action flick.Unfunny and uninteresting. With a boring plot and a predictable ending. There is no building of any character, and you pretty much forget that he's doing it all for the girl. When you see it on Encore in early 2011, pass it by and watch reruns of CSI Miami. If this movie were trying to be a beard, it would barely qualify as 5 o'clock shadow.

Go To The Movies!

It's Friday and there's nothing on television tonight except for baseball. Hell, there's never anything on television on Friday. At least there hasn't been since TGIF went off the air. So with that in mind, I'll be telling you what I think about the new releases every Friday.

Jackass 3D - This one is a no-brainer and the only film where you know

exactly what you're going to get this weekend. A few years back I went to see Jackass 2D in the theater with some friends. We went to Hooters for dinner before the movie. Holy shit does Hooters suck. I mean, the food there is awful. The internet has completely destroyed Hooters business model of hot chicks and shitty food, right? You can get better chicken wings anywhere around town and eat with a picture of Meagan Good loaded on your computer, right? I'm glad we're past that point.

Anyway, Jackass 2D was hilarious. And gross. Just like every Jackass episode. I'll probably see this one in the theater. I just can't wait to have poop fly towards me in THREE DIMENSIONS!

RED - This movie looks promising, but the idea that its only PG-13 seems like a cop out. Does this movie look at all like something teenagers would want to see? They couldn't have thrown in a f-word here and there and written in a sex scene for Mary Louise Parker? I'm pretty sure she would have been up for it. Anyway, I'm cautiously optimistic for this one. If nothing else, its a good cast.

Who Says MTV Doesn't Play Music Videos Anymore?

Last night, between the premiere of the new Jersey Shore and the repeat of the new Jersey Shore MTV showed a music video. This wouldn't be so notable except the music video appeared on MTV. Weird, right? The best part is that they even blocked off an entire 5 minutes for the video and put it in the program guide. How classic is that?

And if you were wondering which MTV networks were showing videos earlier in the evening, Yahoo!'s Kelly Dwyer pointed out that there weren't any.